2,000 Year Old Cult Remembers First Man Mission to Space

jesus rising to space

This past Sunday, millions of members of a 2,000 year old cult, referred to as “The Catholic Church,” remembered their originator’s first man-mission to space. Unlike relatively recent missions to space, the first man’s trip was said to have taken place without use of rockets, spaceships, or vehicles of any kind.

“I just love celebrating this holiday every year,” says Bay Ridge grandmother, Loretta Franco. “It’s a day I teach my family to remember when our creator flew to space. Plus, I love seeing my granddaughter in her cute little pink dress. She’s almost four, she’s so adorable! Let me find you a picture of her…”

While current man-missions to space are all but extinct, it’s hard to imagine how our technology has downgraded from having to use no technology whatsoever to using the current ‘billion dollar rocket method’.

“In order to launch a man into space, we obviously would need to use thousands of gallons of rocket fuel inside a piloted rocket ship traveling at great speeds out of our atmosphere,” said NASA engineer, Greg Hansman. “I’m not sure how a deceased man in a robe was able to accomplish such a feat, especially 2,000 years ago. Who did you say this guy was again?”

While most members of NASA are baffled by such a mission, more than half the nation ignores their obvious skepticism as they’re too preoccupied, focusing on more realistic endeavors like waiting for a giant bunny to provide them with baskets of hand painted hard-boiled eggs.

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130 MPH Honda Lawn Mower

Screen shot 2013-07-18 at 2.12.07 PMIn conjunction with Top Gear magazine and racing outfit Team Dynamics, Honda has built a high performance ride-on lawn mower capable of reaching speeds up to 130 mph. Honda hopes the new vehicle will give fathers another way to take off and abandon their families.