David Ortiz Wants Gay Teammate

David Ortiz

According to the Boston Herald, All-Star Boston Red Sox slugger, David Ortiz admits he’d like to play with gay teammates. “It doesn’t matter where you come from, what color you are, or coming out and what he [Jason Collins] said,” said Ortiz. “I’m fine with that.” In fact, Ortiz is so adamant about his willingness to play with other gay teammates that he has agreed to a one-year contract with the New York Mets.


New York Yankees Sign Ted Williams’ Frozen Head

tedwOver the past decade, the New York Yankees have signed Boston veterans, Johnny Damon, Kevin Youkilis, Jacoby Ellsbury, and now Ted Williams’ frozen head. The deal for Williams is scheduled to go through assuming he passes a routine physical.

NFL Players to Grow Breasts for Breast Cancer Awareness

breast cancer awareness

With October marking the month of Breast Cancer Awareness, the NFL has implemented pink towels, pink jackets, and even pink penalty flags, but American Cancer Society CEO, John Seffrin says this is not enough. “While we appreciate the support of the NFL in our ongoing pursuit of breast cancer prevention, we believe the players can and should be doing more,” said Seffrin.

After agreeing with Seffrin’s sentiments, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has decided to make it mandatory that all players grow breasts. “We feel just showing the color pink on the cleats and a few socks wasn’t enough. These guys need to grow breasts. Like full on C-cups and not the flabby man kind.” In order to do so, players are required to inject a mandatory amount of estrogen before each practice. The goal being large healthy firm breasts, which will undoubtedly show full support for breast cancer awareness.

Fight Club“I think I remember that singer Meatloaf having breasts in the movie Fight Club,” said New York Giants Quaterback, Eli Manning. “I always wanted to know what that was like. Plus, I really like breasts. I’m very excited to help out for the cause.”

While most players are for the initiative, others have their quarrels. “I don’t know. If I’m rushing a dude with long hair and breasts, I may be thrown off. Do I fuck him or tackle him?” said All-Pro Strong Safety, Troy Polamalu.

The new players’ breasts should be fully developed by the end of the season. So far the league has experienced some concerning side effects, including unhealthy chocolate binges during the game and a nagging feeling their spouses are cheating on them. “I just feel like when I’m on the road surrounded by dozens of loose women, my wife is up to something,” said Eagles Quarterback, Michael Vick.

No word yet on whether or not the players will use their breast milk to supplement their thirst during the games.

ARod’s Return Helps Yankees Get Swept

Getty Images
Getty Images

“I’m just trying to get on base and contribute,” says Yankees piece of shit third-basemen, Alex Rodriguez. “I feel my presence in the lineup really helped in being swept by one of the worst teams in baseball.”

Riley Cooper Returns to Practice

Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver, Riley Cooper, who had been excused from team activities after using a racial slur at a concert in June, returned to practice on Tuesday. Cooper was just glad to be back with the team and excited to show off his new practice uniform…


Riley Cooper Drops N-Bomb at Chesney Concert

riley-cooperThe Philadelphia Eagles fined wide receiver Riley Cooper an undisclosed amount for his use of the “N-word” at a Kenny Chesney concert last month. Cooper hopes the fine will allow players and fans to move past the incident, and looks forward to a career ending concussion the first time a ball is thrown his way.

NASA to Name Dark Matter After 2013 NY Yankees

yankeesNASA is set to unveil the results of a 2 billion dollar experiment meant to prove the existence of dark matter, which is essentially empty space that cannot be accounted for. Scientists intend to name the new discovery the “2013 New York York Yankees.”

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