2,000 Year Old Cult Remembers First Man Mission to Space

jesus rising to space

This past Sunday, millions of members of a 2,000 year old cult, referred to as “The Catholic Church,” remembered their originator’s first man-mission to space. Unlike relatively recent missions to space, the first man’s trip was said to have taken place without use of rockets, spaceships, or vehicles of any kind.

“I just love celebrating this holiday every year,” says Bay Ridge grandmother, Loretta Franco. “It’s a day I teach my family to remember when our creator flew to space. Plus, I love seeing my granddaughter in her cute little pink dress. She’s almost four, she’s so adorable! Let me find you a picture of her…”

While current man-missions to space are all but extinct, it’s hard to imagine how our technology has downgraded from having to use no technology whatsoever to using the current ‘billion dollar rocket method’.

“In order to launch a man into space, we obviously would need to use thousands of gallons of rocket fuel inside a piloted rocket ship traveling at great speeds out of our atmosphere,” said NASA engineer, Greg Hansman. “I’m not sure how a deceased man in a robe was able to accomplish such a feat, especially 2,000 years ago. Who did you say this guy was again?”

While most members of NASA are baffled by such a mission, more than half the nation ignores their obvious skepticism as they’re too preoccupied, focusing on more realistic endeavors like waiting for a giant bunny to provide them with baskets of hand painted hard-boiled eggs.

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Nintendo Visionary Hiroshi Yamauchi Dies

mario brotherJapanese businessman and visionary, Hiroshi Yamauchi, credited with transforming Nintendo into the world’s leading video games company, has died at the age of 85. Doctors have pushed the reset button on Yamauchi, though his return comes in the form of a tiny man, incapable of breaking bricks with his head.

 

 

France Comes Out Of The Closet

francewedAfter passing a bill on May 18th legalizing same sex marriage in France, two men, Vincent and Bruno were wed to cheers and jeers in Montpellier. This marks the first gay wedding in France, not including every other wedding to have ever taken place in France.

Pope Richard Simmons?

Pope Benedict XVI blessed the faithful from his window overlooking St. Peter’s Square for the first time since announcing his resignation. Speculation continues to mount as to who will be the next pope, though rumors seem to point there fingers in one direction…

Richard Simmons Hosts His Dance Class at Simmons Studios

Inmate Has Phone in Ass

phone

When 58-year-old G. Siripala, a Sri Lankan prisoner serving a 10-year sentence for theft, was escorted by armed prison officials to Colombo’s National Hospital with severe back pain, doctors rushed him for an X-ray. After X-rays were revealed, it turns out the inmate had stashed a phone in his rectum. Luckily for him, the phone was a piece of shit.

Woman Gives Birth Twice in 8 Months

inlaborA 26-year-old UK woman, Claire Ormrod, has given birth twice in eight months – and the babies are not twins, The Daily Telegraph reported. “My (doctor) said I should have a termination; he said it would end up killing me and the baby, and that it wouldn’t be fair to put me through it,” said Ormrod. “But I said, no, straight out.” The father was unavailable to comment.

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