Grad Student Majors in Life Delay

grad studentAfter much contemplation, newly enrolled graduate student, Rick Grable, has decided to major in Life Delay. While the specific program is fairly new to the college that wishes to be anonymous, the foundation from which it was created has been around for some time.

The program consists of a core curriculum of electives, an online bartenders course, and a weekly one-on-one session with a professional psychiatrist.

“I was going to major in business or economics, but I figured they’d just bore me and I don’t even know if that’s what I want to do,” said Grable. “Now that I’ve found the perfect curriculum, I can focus on delaying the inevitable mundane life that awaits me, without having to explain to my ex-girlfriend that this is the best I can do.”

Like most Ivy League colleges, the program steers clear of “grades,” instead relying heavily on attendance and outrageous tuition fees.

“We feel the student should surround himself with a constant state of delay, and should continue his or her studies as long as is financially possible,” says Dean Prager.

Given the instant popularity of the program, the anonymous college is already laying out plans for its Master’s Program.


Spoiled Bitch Unhappy with Job Situation

angryworkerFor the third straight day this week, twenty-three year old Rachel Blum complained to her roommate about her stupid Marketing Coordinator job, where she barely makes $40,000 a year. The Michigan native has been out of college for just over a year now and can’t believe how dumb everyone is that works with her, and how much of a retard her boss is.

Rachel has a Marketing degree from Michigan State University and was recommended for the Marketing Coordinator position by her father, who knows the CEO of the top 5 ad agency from his fraternity days. She currently resides in a $3500/month two bedroom apartment on the 9th floor of a luxury building, situated in the heart of Manhattan’s Murray Hill district.

“It’s like I work my ass off everyday and I can barely afford to go to brunch on Sundays,” said Rachel. “And now I have to actually put away money if I even want to go to my friend Sarah’s birthday in New Orleans this year.”

Rachel’s typical day of work consists of contacting online advertising options, facebook, crafting semi-legible e-mails, Twitter, texting her girlfriends, and shopping online. Through her first year of work, she’s only missed a total of fifteen days – not counting holidays, birthdays, and weddings.

“To be honest, I’m not sure what she does on a typical day,” said one of Rachel’s superiors. “Some days she looks pretty hot though, and I think she hooked up with Ted from creative.”

Rachel has contemplated moving back to Michigan, but isn’t sure she can stand moving back in with her annoying parents after experiencing New York City. She’s also considering other job options, but doesn’t know people like everyone else in the fucking city. One thing she is sure of, she would never stoop so low as to work in retail. After all, she has a college degree.

Rutgers Coach Fired For Being A Coach

mike-riceRutgers basketball coach Mike Rice was fired on Wednesday after a videotape aired showing him shoving, grabbing and throwing balls at players and using slurs during practice. Or to put it simply…BEING A COLLEGE BASKETBALL COACH FROM NEW JERSEY.

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